Rejection. Heartache. Disappointment. Self-doubt. Embarrassment. These are the words that encompassed the beginning of my 2022. I thought I knew what my next steps were going to be in life—moving on to graduate school. I put all my eggs into one basket, however. When I got the news I was not accepted, my world crumbled. The hardest part was not getting feedback on what I could do to improve myself to make myself a better applicant in the future. The “thank you for applying but we cannot…” was stuck in my head like a mantra, and I needed to do something to escape that mindset.
That same week, I decided to apply to PATTERN. I didn’t know if I would be accepted since I just graduated, but I had to do something after that catastrophic fail. I couldn’t just give in to my self-doubt and allow myself to be consumed with fears of not being accepted. I made a vow then and there to continue to push myself outside of my comfort zone and apply for jobs, even if I don’t think I’m qualified.
A couple of days went by when I received an email from PATTERN asking if I could interview for the position. When I first got the email, my anxiety set in and I was scared to even open it since I just had bad news via email the week before. Once I finally opened it, I was so happy. An interview. A new next step. A new path for my journey into adulthood. This could happen.
After the interview, I was told they’d give me an answer within two weeks. Three days later, another email popped up from PATTERN. I FaceTimed my parents and we opened the email together, as I was too nervous to do it on my own. From that email, my life found purpose, even if only for a short period of time, and I signed on to be a photography intern for the summer of 2022.
From my very first day, I felt a sense of community unlike any job I ever had before. The six other interns were all just as eager to start as I was, and we had an instant bond over this journey we all embarked on together. I was afraid once I graduated that I would never belong to a community again, but I found one so quickly that it shocked me. We all had ups and downs throughout the process, but we relied on each other to get us through those moments. Camaraderie. Hope. Love. These are the words I would use to describe this juncture in my life, a far cry from the hopelessness and despair I was feeling not even two months ago.
PATTERN has given me so many opportunities. From taking portraits at Big Car to photographing Indiana Fashion Week to creating and shooting my own editorial Reflections, there was never a dull moment. I even got to be featured in a CFDA article and was on the news! I have loved every moment of my time at PATTERN, and if I could do it again—I would do so in a heartbeat. PATTERN reignited the life force in me after feeling so rejected; I had hope again and faith in the future, something that had been foreign to me for so long.
As this journey comes to an end, that fear of what’s next has slowly been creeping up on me. What do I do after PATTERN? Where do I go from here? How can I continue to pursue fashion photography?
I’ll be honest. Right now I don’t have the answers to those questions. I wish I did, because life would be a lot more fun knowing there’s a viable future for me in this career. But if PATTERN has taught me one thing, it’s to keep doing things outside of your comfort zone. It’s not going to be easy—but then again, when has something worthwhile ever been easy?
As I walk away from this and move towards my next steps, whatever they may be, I want to leave you with a few words that my 2022 has turned into thanks to PATTERN: Hopeful. Inspired. Excited. And ready to take on the world one photo at a time.
